Of Barriers and Zones.

Peace be upon you reader(s)!

InsyaAllah, this entry may be filled with a serious matter, a matter in which most of teenagers or young adults face during this time of age. Or maybe, even some adults and veterans... I don't know.

Of course, whenever I say that I'm being serious, I'll start babble and be off track. But I'll ensure you that as you read this until the end, you'll get my point.

It all began when I was 13, before I moved to Jeddah. I left Al-Amin - my teachers and beloved friends - without feeling sadness nor regret, because I knew I would be back in two years' time, and things would return to normal, like the way it was when I left.

I have disclosed a little bit of my experiences when I lived in Jeddah. Anyway, after spending two years with new friends in Jeddah Prep, I returned back home. Returned back to where, I had left - Al-Amin. I wasn't worrying at all about friends, because they were my friends ever since primary school and they knew I was coming back. My only worry at that time was to catch up with my studies, as I had to face PMR, after two years missing the syllabus and other things. Trust me, it wasn't easy.

However, it turned out that many walls were built in between us. Between them, and myself. I didn't know what the latest trend was, I didn't now what they meant when they joked - apparently I was absent when the punchline was stated. In short, all of us were not in the same page. They were, I was the only one who was still on page 1.

So I thought, since there were walls around me, I should let the walls down. I should break the barriers in between us. And I did.

I mingled around with everyone. And yes, I meant everyone. I didn't realize that I went overboard until when I was 16, my friend indirectly told me that I was being too social - be it with males or females. So then I started to be alert, and cautious with everyone who tried to approach me. I became extremely cautious when I entered CFS.

I started to build walls again. With bricks, this time. You know, those red bricks.

Whenever I felt necessary, I would be building the walls. (i.e, When friends invited me to go out during weekends, I'd say no. When friends invited me to sleepover at their houses, I'd say no. When friends invited me to wander around, I'd say no.)

I was too busy building the walls, that it was too late for me to realize that I was trapped inside the walls that I built myself. And I realized, I was alone in that 'tower' I built.

Not because nobody wanted to befriend with me, but I was the one who avoided everyone. I set those unnecessary barriers. I built those unnecessary walls.

So I started to open up. As I learnt many things in communication, I tried to apply it in my daily life and it helped me a lot, really. My friends were always there for me, I was too ignorant to realize that. So why should I say that I lack in affection, if I was the one who refused to receive their care and love at the first place?

(Oh since it is now the final exam period here in my campus, I'd like to relate this a bit with what I've learnt in my Interpersonal Communication class. Hahar)

We, humans, have four zones of space (Edward T Hall, n.d). 

(Well actually ada fourth one, Public Space, ranging from 4.0m and above.)

In short, the Intimate Space is usually for very personal and intimate relationships, the Personal Space is often used with family and friends, the Social Space is mostly used in group interactions and some people you're not really close to (Bee Bee, 2011).

So apa kaitan dia sebenarnya .____.

Uhm well, all of us must have at least felt like "Oh, Edward was true, we do have 4 spaces". Edward T Hall was an Anthropologist, and studied about Proxemics (how close or far away from people & objects do people position themselves). These four spaces make me realize that no matter what, we still have to let people enter the space. But we are the ones who still have to make it clear on which space can or can't a person enter.

Frankly I still am building walls, to make it definite that there are barriers in terms of communication in between the opposite gender. But the walls I make, have holes. Or there's a window. Or there are empty spaces in between the walls. I don't know. But I learnt from my previous mistakes, I don't want to lock myself inside the tower anymore. I'm not Rapunzel.

We can't simply throw everyone away, and claim that we are forever alone. Because nobody is forever alone. Have we forgotten about our family back at home, who always support us (and at times stalk us)? Have we forgotten about the angels that never stop jotting down our good and bad deeds? Have we forgotten about The Almighty who always listens, watches over and has the ability to control a human heart?

Ps; Mohon tembakan doa buat saya dan kawan-kawan agar berjaya untuk final exam ni. Semoga keputusan yang kami (bakal) dapat adalah setimpal dengan usaha yang kami tonjolkan. Semoga keputusan yang kami (bakal) dapat adalah yang terbaik buat kami, dan buat Islam.